September...a month of woes or joy???

This is definitely not my month this year....I always love September the most of all the months simply because it's my favourite month and it's the month of my birthday....This year I hate it. I hate it because I screwed up everything. I hate it because I am such a failure this month. I hate it because I'm failing my exams. I hate it because I know I could have done better. I have it because I didn't try my best. I hate this...Never have I despised myself so much for failing my exams...it's clearly because I was lazy and while others were striving to get better results I was sleeping all the times and not really concentrating. I hate myself for being such a moron this month...Maybe all this while for being a moron... Chemistry is my favourite subject since Form 4 but I never really done well in chemistry yet I really like it...but now I did so badly in it I just want to give up...I did so badly in all the subjects I feel I am just not good enough in this...I really want to give up now you know....I've studied for almost a year and a half in Form Six but I feel I haven't done anything here that I really think is worth it. But Form Six is a chance to go to a local university and I can't afford anything else unless I can get a scholorship which is only possible with good results...with results like mine where can I go?? Futhermore, it's a chance to prove to myself that I am good at something....that I'm good at something......I'm capable of doing something yet it seems I didn't put all my effort in and I'm so fed up of myself...so fed up with my own attitude. I take things like it is nothing yet it is something. I'm so tired of being so cheerful all the time being so optimistic...I really don't want to do this anymore...I just want to cry......I feel like crying yet I can't cry. Sometimes I just want to close my eyes and never wake up......I can't do this anymore. There's just two months left...two bloody months to exams and I'm not even prepared to face it...Let's just face the truth that I'm not smart...I'm not clever.....I'm just lazy and stupid someone who thinks she's good nut she's otherwise....Gosh I feel like dying....my heart is breaking and I feel so so down.....Life isn't all that smooth isn't it...... There's no use in stopping now....never do things in half measures.....I'm going to try but I don't what this would come to......how it would end....I just how I can try to improve myself and have more self-discipline in studying....I just wish I can concentrate and do this......