Pensive night...

A new year, a new beginning, a new journey.

It's March already. How time flies and gone by. Graduation was like 6 months ago. Seems the moment of elation of graduating has pass by to be filled with worries for the future.

Feeling positive tonight. I wonder why? I just feel that way.

I've been feeling sad and happy on and off that I am beginning to feel I suffer from bi-polar disease. =.=

The new job is fine. It might be great for a lot of people. Good pay, good benefits and stable job. I just feel 'fine' fine. I am very thankful for the job offer and the confidence of the manager in me handling the work. I'm however less enthusiastic of the job scope. I imagine I can do this for a certain period of time but not for my entire life. I know what I am capable of and I'm definitely not stupid. Still I'm not satisfied with this kind of living. I keep asking myself am I just taking the easy way out? How confident are you that you will be happy if you changed career? The truth is I will never know until I try it. And I want to. I want to just experience something different for once and see if I can.

I keep asking myself if money is more important than happiness. The answer is however that having money is also a kind of happiness. >.< But money is not everything. Or so I believe.

I have been pondering and wondering for this 6 months on how I want to walked on in life and I still haven't gotten a right answer. I am not very fond of the 'what ifs' but I'm thinking a lot about them lately that it is frustrating me. I've made up my mind and changed them far too often. I have set myself a goal that I'm not sure I will reach but is stubbornly trying to achieve. I always knew I lack courage and determination. So I'm praying for guidance and courage. And pray everything will go as plan (which they 99% of the time never do.) and maybe for once just listen to my heart.

...

McFly-ing~~

Recently I've been having a liking,
For a band who's out of this world,
Believe me...

So lately I've been listening to McFly who isn't really a new boyband or group but a famous established pop band formed in 2003. I've actually heard about McFly before because of one song which is All About You. A very nice song which had occupied my playlist on a repeat loop 2 years ago. I've put them to the back of my mind until recently when the wedding speech of one of the McFly member gone viral and he made an awesome speech/song with their number one hits. It was such an amazing speech that I went and look for their songs and discovered I should have listen to them earlier hahaha...better late than never...

'Obviously' is one of my favourite and I've taken a page from Tom Fletcher, their lead vocal and rewrote their lyrics on top. Their new song from last year, Love Is Easy is now my favourite song of the moment. I'm so in love with the song and it is on a repeat mode on my music player and I'm like sharing it over on FB a couple of times. The lyrics are simple but the song is so much fun. Especially love the funny MV. Gotta share this.

The pink ukelele is so cute.

I'm a little obsessed with McFly at the moment and I don't care if practically all of the band members are married or not available. They are HOT and so good-looking and funny. Some people are just so talented and so good-looking...hehehe...Sharing some music which I love and hope you guys enjoy it too. They cheer me up and I hope they cheer you up too.

 ...

Of jobs and careers

Hi. My first 2013 post and I'm always here again blogging about unhappy events :(

I mentioned at the last post  that I'm switching to another job. This job is almost like the 1st one I got. Process mechanical engineer. I guess I should be happy that I'm getting an opportunity that people would grab immediately. Better pay, better company and better future. Unfortunately, I don't feel happy.

I though it was a phase but turns out I was wrong. I went through the whole being miserable stage at the last job and only got cheery after I handed in my resignation. And I'm going through the same thing again. I'm just not committed to making the job my career. The company is bigger and better than the last and I walked until I got lost in the plant when I was going home. But somehow as big as it is, I feel so claustrophobic and panicking the whole time I was there.

I carried a hope thinking I would like working there but I guess it makes me more sure of switching career path. Since it is a contract thingy, so I decided I'm going to try my best to complete this 1 year contract term and stop looking in this career path anymore.

I don't think I'm suited to working in factories. I find it very cold, sterile and enclosing. You know why I think I'm not suited. 1st, I am not committed to spending hours in this job solving problems. 2nd, I can't find the passion and initiative to give more to the job. 3rd, I am not as ambitious as people to go up a higher level and challenge themselves. 4th, I want a stable job that I can still have time to myself and my family. 5th, I'm not looking for a high paid job just one I can be happy in with moderate pay. I can go on and on. I understand there is much pros in working as an engineer and the opportunities to travel and to gain more knowledge but the cons weighs more to me.

I believe eventually I will find the right career for myself but this is not it. I'm sorry to say it and I'm very disappointed with myself for not being tough or strong enough or determined enough but I'm really not suited for this career path. I'm so sorry for being so silly that I'm always so unhappy and I don't want to be that way...I'm done with engineering. I'll finish up this one year and next year hopefully by this time, I can leave for a happier, less stressful job that will make me feel it is worth it to give my commitment too.

....

Adieu 2012~~

Today is the last day of 2012. 

31st December 2012.

Ending a year always makes me think back what I have accomplished in a year.

This year I completed my studies and graduated. Bid a tearful goodbye to my studying life and saying a bitter hello to the working life. Learning new things about myself. Discovering my disability to be independent and being too nonsensical and over-emotional.

2012 started well to me with lots of happiness and hope amidst the fear of the unknown. It ended with frustration, regrets, tears and understanding and remembering there's always still hope. 2012 was a year of realisations to me.

2013 is coming in 6 hours. A new year brings forward new challenges and signifies new beginnings. In the year 2013, I will switch to a new job in a new workplace and I'm praying for courage and determination. I'm not expecting things to go smoothly but I'm hoping that things can eventually unravel and have a good end. I hope I can make some changes I want to make successfully and be happy. I hope 2013 will be a year full of happiness and good health to everyone.

Happy New Year everyone...

...

Time is the father of all truths

The quote time is the father of all truth really inspire me.

I recently just listen to it on the radio and realise that is it pretty much the truth. Pardon the pun.

It's true that with time, you will learn to see what's right and what's wrong. 

With time, you will realise whether you believe in what you do or not. 

With time, you will realise that without passion, there's just no love or interest.

With time, you grow wiser or less stupid in my case,

With time, you learn that plans require efforts,

With time, you learn nothing comes without sacrifice,

And with time you will realise what you want now might not be what you want in the future.

I'm very fond of philosophy and now I wonder why I didn't pursue a career in that.

Hah...I'm just jack of all trades and master of none. 

A lil bit here and there. 

Total nonsense.

....

Life~

People say to gain you have to lose.

It's funny that when I decide on a plan, something will definitely change my plan.

Something unexpected comes my way and I have to struggle to deal with it.

I get so frustrated and stressed out by it and it just make me feel panicky.

So panicky that I feel like bursting in tears and being so hard to breathe.

Can't believe I'm having a panic attack at this age. >.<

"You can't always get what you want. But if you try sometimes, you'll get what you need."

I hope this applies to me.

I'll try to be positive about things and look forward instead of back.

I  don't handle changes well. In fact I hate changes. You can say I like the feeling of being safe.

The fact that I'm starting on a new path in my life scares the hell out of me and I need someone around and there's no one to stay with me.

Everyone has their own life now and I guess that makes me a little a lot lonely.

I am too clingy to my family and friends and the fact is I need to start being really independent now.

I know I'm being too emotional all the time and it's annoying the people around me.

Thank you for trying to be understanding and please bear with me with all my emo-ness ahead.

I have a plan again now and I hope my plan goes well. 1 year..I will give engineering another shot.

After that, anything goes~~

Aut viam inveniam aut faciam. If there's a will, there's always a way. 

Please don't let me forget that.

...

Having second...third thoughts....

I don't know what I want in life.

Suddenly I lost all my ambitions in life.

I started working yesterday and to tell you frankly, I hated it.

If you ask me why I hated it, it's just the feeling of it and the heart is saying no. The people are OK albeit the company being stingy in pay. There's a lot of work but I'm still trying to cope. But I still have the feeling this is not the path for me. I'm going to try but if your heart's not in it.......and I feel so alone.

I know people will have all sorts of impression of me being rich, pampered and spoiled. I'm probably am pampered even if my family is not rich.I'm just not happy.

It's funny how I imagine myself 5 years from now and I can't see myself working in a factory. I'm not much of a leader and frankly, I don't want to be one. So find me a job where I can follow someone and I'll go for it.

It's not that I don't have the skills or the brains to do it but I just don't have the heart to do it. My heart doesn't even know what it wants now. I'm in serious thoughts of furthering my studies. But what can I do after futhering? Do I still have to work back in a factory? Take up lecturing?

I'm probably going for something different. So many years in science and I realise although I find science interesting, I'm not much of the fan of the mathematical parts of science. So I guess I'm more suitable for some artsy or language. I love English but do I love it enough to make it my job? Teaching perhaps in English?

I truly need a psychologist. Why don't we have them in abundance in Malaysia. There's a lot of stress on me right now. I hate that I have to grow up and my parents going old. This year brings a lot of perspective into my life and my thinking is life is short and I want to be doing something I love while I can and enjoy my time with my family. Working...I want to be working doing something I love and that would be what? Baking? Cooking? English? And suddenly....I realised I'm not even thinking in science.

A few people mention I was good in my studies in Materials Engineering, why don't I like it now? I don't have the answer too. Is it because all my life people have been saying science is good and engineering is good and I'm influenced through there and since I'm bad at accountancy, I decided to try it.

Would it be wrong to say I made a mistake now and I want to try something different? My mom says she's proud of me no matter what which makes me teared up and tell me I can do what I want as long as I can take care of myself and be happy. I cried big time everything she says that because it make me realise how I haven't grow up at all and I'm so much of a mommy's and daddy's girl.

I'm jealous of people who are working and holding on well to their ambitions. I don't really have a big one. I just want to live a simple and happy comfortable life. And it is so hard to achieve that.

...