I should have faith in myself....

Somehow when I vowed not to come back to this place, I'm back. =.=

I said goodbye to this chapter of my life but I can't seem to move on to the next chapter of my life.

My friends told me not to lose faith and cheer up. That nothing is impossible.

My family just tell me to be me, to make my own decisions as it is my own life.

A senior told me to follow my heart and I won't be wrong. That even if I am then I won't regret it. 

The truth is I am following my heart and I do wonder if my decisions do sometimes fail me.

Do I lose myself in the process of making decisions or suffer from the consequences of the choices I made?

I know I shouldn't feel sad over things passed. Let bygones be bygones. (and I almost forgot that's what I always say in the past)

I need to have a new perspective in my life and trust everything will go well.

I should get out from this emotional mess and be courageous. 

Whatever will be will be. If there's a will, there's always a way.

Hwaiting, Ganbatte, Jia You!!!!

 

Through the rain, there's a brighter day.

So miserable that it's funny

It's funny.

I started this blog to show myself that I have many happy memories and I want to remember them through here. But it seems the blog has taken a very depressing state through a depressing period of my life. I think I made myself depressed.

It's funny.

Funny how I can think too much and become so emotional in seconds. I have a new skill now. The ability to cry in 30 seconds. It's true. I can do that...make it 20 seconds and I'll still be able to do it.

It's funny.

Right now I'm feeling just fine. But you'll never know tomorrow. I was sitting and talking with a friend just now during dinner. It was all happy chit-chatting and suddenly my emotions swerved into a different direction that I feel so down and almost cried.

It's funny.

I can write about this now because I got fed-up of myself being such an idiot. So what if no one wants to hire me now. So what if I'm still sitting at home doing nothing. So what if I'm not as capable as some people earning money. 

It's funny.

I still care of what people think of me and maybe too much at that too. Too much that it made me so low esteemed about it. That I worry of what people think of me. That I worry that my parents worry about me. That I disappoint them in so many ways. That I can't give them a good life. 

It's funny.

I'm actually afraid of starting a new chapter in life and worrying over something that isn't going to happen in another 20 years. Worrying and not actually taking on a challenge and be brave, be positive, and believe that I can.

It's so funny until it is not funny anymore......

I think I'm going through a depression state.

It seems I can never feel happy enough. One minute I feel happy, the other I feel down.

I worry about this and that yet I do nothing to solve it.

I guessed I'm a worrywart and I tend to aim too high.

But then that's who I am isn't it? 

Aim for the stars but if you can't at least you reach the moon.

Let's face reality, eventually I'll need to work and make a living.

Can't rely on anyone to live your life.

...

ICXRI 2012

The ICXRI 2012 participants and organisers.

Having passion on something is great.

After attending my first science conference, ICXRI 2012; an International Conference of X-ray In Research and Industries, I felt that I have so much more to learn. 3 days of sitting inside the Vistana hotel ballroom listening to a bunch of researchers and students; old and young does give a certain perspective on material engineering. I find out that what I learn for these 4 years were just too shallow. There's so much more to learn and science even in material science is such a wide field waiting to be explored.

It's amazing how people have great ideas and visions. It is a really great experience and a chance to see how passionate people are in creating new things and being happy. Having passion matters because if you're not passionate in what you do, you'll hate it. 

Listening to the researchers and presenters giving their say on the fields they are working in is interesting, educational and eye opening. (Not all of them though. Some are just plain boring.) Having good food for tea breaks and lunches didn't hurt either. Meeting new friends along the way and learning something new about oneself.

The presenters seems to have a lot of fun in what they were doing; researching and traveling. You can do something you like and have fun at the same time. When will I ever feel that passionate about something?

I went to ICXRI 2012 because my lecturer registered me for it. Without that, I wouldn't have thought of joining considering it is RM450 to join a conference. I committed myself to go in and learn something and realise a stubborn part of me refuse to change. It's like I'm still stuck in that small world feeling sorry for myself and not wanting to step outside the box.

I meet some interesting characters, PhD students/lecturers who were dedicated and enthusiastic on their work. People who realise the value of simply happy. I hope someday I can find the same passion and dedication to be happy as well whether I'm working or studying. I hope maybe one day I can continue my post-grad degree to but for now I'm taking the easiest route of entering the working life.

Seniors from UniMAP at both ends and the two girls are PhD students I've just got to know.

The postgrad seniors from UniMAP at the conference. I get to tag along.

Poster presentation of my thesis hanging with other posters. Kinda make me proud even though mine was petty and lousy in terms of quality.

The Poster I made.

Sometimes I really wonder. Do I actually put on a facade to face people at times.

Is it really the genuine me or am I just hiding under that kind, considerate image?

It's not that I'm mean and spiteful of people but sometimes I truly envy people who can speak their thoughts easily. I find myself caring too much of what people though about me to speak the entire truth. I'm always afraid that people might think less of me and have a bad opinion on me. Of course sometimes my mouth ran first and you'll find yourself regretting words you said to people.

So, it's a matter of I'm too thin skinned and timid. I care too much on how people feel about me until I forgot that I should care about how I feel abut myself too.

All this time, I always put into consideration how my parents would want me to do before I think of myself. Truth to be told, I based my decisions sometimes on that and it gets tired sometimes and you start thinking you should be selfish. But in the end, it's not always about what you want and is what you need.

I just need happiness. I don't need to be bloody rich and famous. I just want to be happy and sometimes, I can't even feel that. Making decisions are never my strong points. I take people's opinions in and sometimes I don't even know if I'm making a choice by myself or according to someone else's opinion.  I don't believe that diverging from a path you already planned will make you unhappy though. Sometimes I guess jumping blindfolded seems to be good. I just wish at times, I have the guts to do just that. Being happy is such a simple thing yet so hard to be.

Emo-ing......

The final year project got into another ditch again.

I'm so fed up about it. Really feel like just dumping everything into the rubbish bin and just don't care about it.

I don't really have patience for this kind of things do I?

Everything I think the project is running smoothly, I get into another roadblock.

Even if I always believe in Aut Viam Inveniam Aut Faciam, the doubts are starting to build up.

The Pretend Games

Sometimes I really don't know who to believe in. Don't judge a book by its cover.

In truth I'm someone easily influenced by people's opinion. And since sometimes some people aren't always like they seem, it's not easy to form the right opinion on someone.

People play the pretend game everyday. My opinion on people does sway from time to time. Some people seems nice but they aren't. Being two faces or three faces is something some people are good at.

I think it is safe to say people form different opinions on me either. Sometimes I really don't care about what people say about me but there are times where I hope everyone has a good opinion or impression on me.

Well, you can never always be the good person. But you can at least pretend.

...

It's so sad when my world comes down to this....

No time

No mood

No money

No time to complete everything I need and want to do. No mood to start because I'm thinking too much about it and getting frustrated and no money to get all the thing I want and do.

...

The spending

In two days, I spend more than Rm190. What did I do?

1. Buy novels (totally unnecessary just for the sake of pleasure in reading romance novels)
2. Sing at a karaoke (waste of money and time to entertain myself and imitate singers)
3. Facial treatment (make myself pretty so that I won't hate myself more and get pampered by people by paying them.)
4. Get a haircut (hair getting too heavy and hard to manage and of course make myself prettier)
5. Eat yummy but full of cholesterol fast food (to eat something you craving for but end up feeling guilty after consumption)

All of the above are convincing evidence that I'm a spendthrift but a very satisfied spendthrift even though I'm feeling guilty now that I have spend all that cash. >.<

I wish I have more cash that I don't feel guilty over spending. But oh well, money is for making people happy. And I'm happy even if a little guilty :P

...

Bad luck...Car no battery,,,

Haiz...wanna say bad luck or good luck le?

Superstitious...my eye was keep having spasms yesterday and on the right side. According to superstitious stuff, it's consider bad luck.

Indeed, bad luck occurred. Got a very bad flu and couldn't sleep well the whole night and just now even the car broke down on me. Luckily it was at Wang Ulu. The battery died and had to ask a mechanic to come and replaced it. Cost me RM240...kek sim nia. My money~~~

Haiz...I'll consider it good luck that it spoiled now or else when I go back next week, if it broke down then, then I have no help. Always need to view a glass of milk half full.....

...

FYP blues

My fourth year in uni has finally started.

To think back I was dreading uni life when I came in the 1st year. Now I'm like praying for it to not end so fast because I don't want to enter the working world. >.<

Like I said in the post before, it's an eventual thing. Like it's an eventual thing that we will all die in the end of our life. It's an eventual thing for me to grow up and be part of the working world.

FYP, to all those who don't know what it is, stands for Final Year Project. Some sort like a research or experiment that we need to conduct based on what we have learn in previous years and make a report out of it. It's like a lab experiment only at a bigger scale.

I don't know if I gotten lucky to get one of my choices of the FYP title and landed a pretty good lecturer or in for a tough luck. I'm actually worried that I can't live up to his expectation. The FYP only started for 2 weeks and guess what? I've already completed Chapter 1. Not that there wasn't any correction to be made, I still have to do the formatting and all but basically I really did completed Chapter 1. Albeit it was only 4 pages. ^^

Lot's of journal studies need to be done and even with my speed of reading, it kinda makes me very tiring to read all those research journals and books. On top of that, my lecturer actually wants at least 40 references meaning I have to read more than 40 journals. I can imagine myself reading 40 novels and already it will bore me out. So just imagine reading 40 lengthy journals with absolutely no sense of entertainment in them. Oh the horror!!

Enough said, I'm pretty open to the challenge even if I do complain too much at times. My roommate hear all my complaints all the time and now you. I need to be optimistic and who knows, something good might come out from believing in yourself. I actually do have confidence in completed the whole project. It is just that I'm way to impatient to get this thing to end. And knowing me, when it ends I will miss it for sure.

...

When I'm old...

I don't want to be sick and just suffer my days away.

I don't want to be a responsibility no one wants to take on.

I rather just get sick and just die.

I don't want to let people think of me as a burden and argue about it.

When I get sick and old, no one needs to argue over how to take care of me or sending me to an old folks home or hiring a maid to take care of me.



...

The sad truth..

The very sad truth in life is when you are young, you alone can take care of 7 children. But when you are old and needs people to take care of you, not all your 7 children wants to take care of you.

Have they forgotten how their parents raised them up and become who they are today? They can afford to give money to their children yet they cannot spare some time for their parents. Don't think money is everything. Everyone can give money, I myself can give it. Only excuses and excuses...

This is how you repay everything they done for you. Really fantastic...

...

A sick feeling in my stomach...

I'm nervous and worried. It's scary.

I'm so afraid of making mistakes at the internship.

I have so many if, if, if in my mind right now.

You know how I tend to over-think and analyses everything. Well, I'm doing it now.

I'm always thinking of worst case scenarios. What's the worst thing that could happen in my internship?

I get fired? I get injured/died? (Choi..touch wood) Or making supervisors angry? Or getting low scores for my internship?

HELP!!

Ottoke~~~

...

Post 333....

I would blog about my cousin sis's wedding but I haven't got enough photos to blog about it. So maybe later.
Bought a comforter set to gift to her as a wedding gift. I bought this Akemi set in the shade of light grey which I hope she liked because it costs RM210. The most expensive thing I ever bought with cash alone.

Past this month, I spend a huge amount of money which I estimated to be more than RM800. Buying this and that for CNY and spending on presents, food and miscellaneous stuff make my pockets empty.

CNY is the time where money is spend like drinking water to some people. Children receive angpows and adults withdraw cash to give angpows. While people like me, the young unmarried adults, like to dress up nicely and have to spend money on clothes, accessories and make-up. So I spend a huge amount of money this year to play dress up. I usually don't buy much but I'm especially spendthrift this year. Sobs...

Some of the make-up items I bought. I'm even thinking still of buying loose powder and dyeing my hair with Liese Hair Colour. So I'm going to spend some more. Haiz...

But wth with it all, money is made for spending right? Hahaha...I just need to save up next month for my hopefully still possible SS3 concert in KL in March. I can save money and lose weight at the same time if I don't eat. Good idea..hehe.

...

I'm feeling envy again. Haiz...one of the 7 deadly sins.

While people are enjoying themselves, I'm stuck at home painting the gate and the balcony.

I really wish I would stop doing this to myself. (The self-pitying and emo-ness) After all, I'm the one that made the decision not to go. But here I am, thinking how nice it would be to be there.

I made a decision I know is the right thing to do but not necessary the best thing to do. Does that make sense? I'm thinking to myself that I'll have a chance to go one day.

The gate I painted.

The balcony I helped painted...BTW, that's not me. That's my mom.

For better news, I'm not going back to Perlis till after New Year. Yay to me!! Apparently there's no classes going on. So, I'm taking everyone's advice and stay home. Staying home actually means more housework to be done you know. =.= I've been helping out this past week which is why I'm feeling especially envious of people enjoying themselves.

What to do, I'm only human.

...

I'm home.

Gosh, it was tiring to drive back. I do enjoy driving back but I really like it better if I can sing out loud in my car with no one with me while driving.

Sadly, there was a passenger with me so I couldn't sing out loud thus the boredom and tiredness. Not to mention the jam at Gelugor. Tired and fall down into bed as soon as I reach home.

So, now...Party Time!!!

Tadaima!!!

HELP...studying needed

These few days, I've been really really lazy.

Sleeping till 12-1pm everyday :S

I'm trying to start studying but apparently my brain is still in sleep mode and play mode.

HELP!!!!

I'm trying to wake up earlier but I can't even bring myself to get up from the cozy bed.

I'm in need of serious help to kick my butt and go study. :(((

...

The flowing fluid.....

I effing HATE Fluid Mechanics!!!!!!!

The equations and the calculations are so complicate to my brain.

I'm always so frustrated whenever I have to solve the questions.

I'm preparing to get a grade below B for this subject.

Lecturers say that you have to like a subject to score in it.

Then I better get myself prepared to fail for this.

...

How I dislike it when people act like they don’t know something when the truth is, they know. I’m referring to how some people pretend they don’t have a certain skill in something when they probably learn it before or done it before. Okay, maybe you are a natural and you got talent for it. But I don’t believe lo…. (Terms and conditions applied to certain people only…Not all :p)

But oh well, I’m just being a hypocrite here. Sometimes I act like I don’t know something either. (It’s because I don’t want to hurt the feelings of people teaching me or I’m not sure whether I’m right doing it) =.= Or I think I don’t really get it but I actually do but I just don’t realise that I do…haha. That really makes my friends want to knock my head. ^^

Just that sometimes, it’s really obvious how you really know how to do something but you pretend you don’t. And you still insist you don’t. Even though it is rather obvious that you excel in it you still say you just learn it and got lucky. If you want to fake it, please fake it better.