Life~

People say to gain you have to lose.

It's funny that when I decide on a plan, something will definitely change my plan.

Something unexpected comes my way and I have to struggle to deal with it.

I get so frustrated and stressed out by it and it just make me feel panicky.

So panicky that I feel like bursting in tears and being so hard to breathe.

Can't believe I'm having a panic attack at this age. >.<

"You can't always get what you want. But if you try sometimes, you'll get what you need."

I hope this applies to me.

I'll try to be positive about things and look forward instead of back.

I  don't handle changes well. In fact I hate changes. You can say I like the feeling of being safe.

The fact that I'm starting on a new path in my life scares the hell out of me and I need someone around and there's no one to stay with me.

Everyone has their own life now and I guess that makes me a little a lot lonely.

I am too clingy to my family and friends and the fact is I need to start being really independent now.

I know I'm being too emotional all the time and it's annoying the people around me.

Thank you for trying to be understanding and please bear with me with all my emo-ness ahead.

I have a plan again now and I hope my plan goes well. 1 year..I will give engineering another shot.

After that, anything goes~~

Aut viam inveniam aut faciam. If there's a will, there's always a way. 

Please don't let me forget that.

...

Having second...third thoughts....

I don't know what I want in life.

Suddenly I lost all my ambitions in life.

I started working yesterday and to tell you frankly, I hated it.

If you ask me why I hated it, it's just the feeling of it and the heart is saying no. The people are OK albeit the company being stingy in pay. There's a lot of work but I'm still trying to cope. But I still have the feeling this is not the path for me. I'm going to try but if your heart's not in it.......and I feel so alone.

I know people will have all sorts of impression of me being rich, pampered and spoiled. I'm probably am pampered even if my family is not rich.I'm just not happy.

It's funny how I imagine myself 5 years from now and I can't see myself working in a factory. I'm not much of a leader and frankly, I don't want to be one. So find me a job where I can follow someone and I'll go for it.

It's not that I don't have the skills or the brains to do it but I just don't have the heart to do it. My heart doesn't even know what it wants now. I'm in serious thoughts of furthering my studies. But what can I do after futhering? Do I still have to work back in a factory? Take up lecturing?

I'm probably going for something different. So many years in science and I realise although I find science interesting, I'm not much of the fan of the mathematical parts of science. So I guess I'm more suitable for some artsy or language. I love English but do I love it enough to make it my job? Teaching perhaps in English?

I truly need a psychologist. Why don't we have them in abundance in Malaysia. There's a lot of stress on me right now. I hate that I have to grow up and my parents going old. This year brings a lot of perspective into my life and my thinking is life is short and I want to be doing something I love while I can and enjoy my time with my family. Working...I want to be working doing something I love and that would be what? Baking? Cooking? English? And suddenly....I realised I'm not even thinking in science.

A few people mention I was good in my studies in Materials Engineering, why don't I like it now? I don't have the answer too. Is it because all my life people have been saying science is good and engineering is good and I'm influenced through there and since I'm bad at accountancy, I decided to try it.

Would it be wrong to say I made a mistake now and I want to try something different? My mom says she's proud of me no matter what which makes me teared up and tell me I can do what I want as long as I can take care of myself and be happy. I cried big time everything she says that because it make me realise how I haven't grow up at all and I'm so much of a mommy's and daddy's girl.

I'm jealous of people who are working and holding on well to their ambitions. I don't really have a big one. I just want to live a simple and happy comfortable life. And it is so hard to achieve that.

...

Confused

So I got through what I would say is a phase of depression

I stop feeling sorry for myself...maybe still a little bit. But hey...I'm neurotic in that way.

I'm writing this because frankly, I don't have anyone to talk to about it now. No one who can offer me advice or some perspective on the jobs. So here I am letting go of what I think here.

I got a job. In fact I'm starting next week although I haven't sign the offer yet.

 

But fate just have to play with me. I got a job interview from a big multinasional company, one of the big players in Penang. Maybe I shouldn't have accepted the interview and went. It made me think of the what ifs.

What does my heart tell me? I'm not sure. Obviously getting into a bigger company will have better pay, benefits and stuff but the thing is I'm still at the interview stage only. It's still pending and there's no guarantee I'm getting the job. On the other hand, the small company has confirmed everything for me.

Thus the confusion. I don't know who to talk to right now. I've already gotten a job and done the medical checkup and whatnot. If I would take the risk and drop the job wouldn't that just be bad manners to the company and the what-ifs comes into mind. What if the MNC rejects me too? So continue being jobless?

And then the company drop me another bomb. Ask me to go for another interview for another position. Every damn thing is still pending. So what do I do now. How to make choices when you're confused? I'm afraid I'll make the wrong decision. 

Should I just go to the smaller company where the pay is lower and benefits less and give it a shot? Should I or should I not? 

But come to think of it, I sort of have a decision made but I still feel wasted. I think I'll give myself a chance to go for the interview and then start working at the small company. Go for the experience even if I have went to like gazillions of these interviews. I'm following my heart but why does it feel so heavy?

....

I should have faith in myself....

Somehow when I vowed not to come back to this place, I'm back. =.=

I said goodbye to this chapter of my life but I can't seem to move on to the next chapter of my life.

My friends told me not to lose faith and cheer up. That nothing is impossible.

My family just tell me to be me, to make my own decisions as it is my own life.

A senior told me to follow my heart and I won't be wrong. That even if I am then I won't regret it. 

The truth is I am following my heart and I do wonder if my decisions do sometimes fail me.

Do I lose myself in the process of making decisions or suffer from the consequences of the choices I made?

I know I shouldn't feel sad over things passed. Let bygones be bygones. (and I almost forgot that's what I always say in the past)

I need to have a new perspective in my life and trust everything will go well.

I should get out from this emotional mess and be courageous. 

Whatever will be will be. If there's a will, there's always a way.

Hwaiting, Ganbatte, Jia You!!!!

 

Through the rain, there's a brighter day.

So miserable that it's funny

It's funny.

I started this blog to show myself that I have many happy memories and I want to remember them through here. But it seems the blog has taken a very depressing state through a depressing period of my life. I think I made myself depressed.

It's funny.

Funny how I can think too much and become so emotional in seconds. I have a new skill now. The ability to cry in 30 seconds. It's true. I can do that...make it 20 seconds and I'll still be able to do it.

It's funny.

Right now I'm feeling just fine. But you'll never know tomorrow. I was sitting and talking with a friend just now during dinner. It was all happy chit-chatting and suddenly my emotions swerved into a different direction that I feel so down and almost cried.

It's funny.

I can write about this now because I got fed-up of myself being such an idiot. So what if no one wants to hire me now. So what if I'm still sitting at home doing nothing. So what if I'm not as capable as some people earning money. 

It's funny.

I still care of what people think of me and maybe too much at that too. Too much that it made me so low esteemed about it. That I worry of what people think of me. That I worry that my parents worry about me. That I disappoint them in so many ways. That I can't give them a good life. 

It's funny.

I'm actually afraid of starting a new chapter in life and worrying over something that isn't going to happen in another 20 years. Worrying and not actually taking on a challenge and be brave, be positive, and believe that I can.

It's so funny until it is not funny anymore......

I think I'm going through a depression state.

It seems I can never feel happy enough. One minute I feel happy, the other I feel down.

I worry about this and that yet I do nothing to solve it.

I guessed I'm a worrywart and I tend to aim too high.

But then that's who I am isn't it? 

Aim for the stars but if you can't at least you reach the moon.

Let's face reality, eventually I'll need to work and make a living.

Can't rely on anyone to live your life.

...

I'm A Graduate!!

Latest news in my life.

I'm finally a graduate!!! Graduated only with a second class upper degree in Materials Engineering. 

Wish it was a first class degree. Oh well, I'm smart (self bragging) but not that hardworking. :P

If there's anything I regret from the four years there is not spending enough time exploring Perlis and actually going to Langkawi. Can you believe I only went there once and it was for a school program so I didn't even get to tour the island.

Another thing would be not scoring those silly midterm test where everyone copies and pretend they don't. Wish I studied better. I tried my best during the finals but not always during those tests. 

Oh well, let bygones be bygones. Maybe I'll challenge myself to a Master's degree someday.

Back to the topic, here's a few photos of my convocation which I think was too short. I think the whole ceremony of me taking the cert from the Raja Muda was like 4 seconds. Didn't even have the chance to savour the moment. It's a closure to another chapter of my life. The end of my studying life. Worrying to continue to the next chapter...

My mom and dad. See they're wearing matching clothes...haha

This photo is the best. Love it.

Just realised how I take photos by tilting my face in a certain angle. So every single photo of me seems to look the same...haha. But the angle makes me look prettier..so I'll keep doing that. :P

(Pressies from peeps...so many makes me so happy ^^)

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