Having second...third thoughts....

I don't know what I want in life.

Suddenly I lost all my ambitions in life.

I started working yesterday and to tell you frankly, I hated it.

If you ask me why I hated it, it's just the feeling of it and the heart is saying no. The people are OK albeit the company being stingy in pay. There's a lot of work but I'm still trying to cope. But I still have the feeling this is not the path for me. I'm going to try but if your heart's not in it.......and I feel so alone.

I know people will have all sorts of impression of me being rich, pampered and spoiled. I'm probably am pampered even if my family is not rich.I'm just not happy.

It's funny how I imagine myself 5 years from now and I can't see myself working in a factory. I'm not much of a leader and frankly, I don't want to be one. So find me a job where I can follow someone and I'll go for it.

It's not that I don't have the skills or the brains to do it but I just don't have the heart to do it. My heart doesn't even know what it wants now. I'm in serious thoughts of furthering my studies. But what can I do after futhering? Do I still have to work back in a factory? Take up lecturing?

I'm probably going for something different. So many years in science and I realise although I find science interesting, I'm not much of the fan of the mathematical parts of science. So I guess I'm more suitable for some artsy or language. I love English but do I love it enough to make it my job? Teaching perhaps in English?

I truly need a psychologist. Why don't we have them in abundance in Malaysia. There's a lot of stress on me right now. I hate that I have to grow up and my parents going old. This year brings a lot of perspective into my life and my thinking is life is short and I want to be doing something I love while I can and enjoy my time with my family. Working...I want to be working doing something I love and that would be what? Baking? Cooking? English? And suddenly....I realised I'm not even thinking in science.

A few people mention I was good in my studies in Materials Engineering, why don't I like it now? I don't have the answer too. Is it because all my life people have been saying science is good and engineering is good and I'm influenced through there and since I'm bad at accountancy, I decided to try it.

Would it be wrong to say I made a mistake now and I want to try something different? My mom says she's proud of me no matter what which makes me teared up and tell me I can do what I want as long as I can take care of myself and be happy. I cried big time everything she says that because it make me realise how I haven't grow up at all and I'm so much of a mommy's and daddy's girl.

I'm jealous of people who are working and holding on well to their ambitions. I don't really have a big one. I just want to live a simple and happy comfortable life. And it is so hard to achieve that.

...

Confused

So I got through what I would say is a phase of depression

I stop feeling sorry for myself...maybe still a little bit. But hey...I'm neurotic in that way.

I'm writing this because frankly, I don't have anyone to talk to about it now. No one who can offer me advice or some perspective on the jobs. So here I am letting go of what I think here.

I got a job. In fact I'm starting next week although I haven't sign the offer yet.

 

But fate just have to play with me. I got a job interview from a big multinasional company, one of the big players in Penang. Maybe I shouldn't have accepted the interview and went. It made me think of the what ifs.

What does my heart tell me? I'm not sure. Obviously getting into a bigger company will have better pay, benefits and stuff but the thing is I'm still at the interview stage only. It's still pending and there's no guarantee I'm getting the job. On the other hand, the small company has confirmed everything for me.

Thus the confusion. I don't know who to talk to right now. I've already gotten a job and done the medical checkup and whatnot. If I would take the risk and drop the job wouldn't that just be bad manners to the company and the what-ifs comes into mind. What if the MNC rejects me too? So continue being jobless?

And then the company drop me another bomb. Ask me to go for another interview for another position. Every damn thing is still pending. So what do I do now. How to make choices when you're confused? I'm afraid I'll make the wrong decision. 

Should I just go to the smaller company where the pay is lower and benefits less and give it a shot? Should I or should I not? 

But come to think of it, I sort of have a decision made but I still feel wasted. I think I'll give myself a chance to go for the interview and then start working at the small company. Go for the experience even if I have went to like gazillions of these interviews. I'm following my heart but why does it feel so heavy?

....